The Hell of D.I.Y.

Number of DIY jobs attempted by Dan today: 2

What were they: Job #1 = Fixing a shower head-holder onto the wall; Job #2 = Putting up a new row of coathooks by the front door

How long have these jobs been waiting to get done: Job #1 = 5 years; Job #2 = 1 week

How long was it expected for Job #1 to take: 1 hour

How long did it actually take: 4 hours

Yes, I have done the pretending-it’s-a-gun thing. “Pew-pew!”

Did the shower head-holder go on successfully first time, without any problems, and was it flush to the wall with no lateral movement: Yes

Does the shower head-holder successfully hold the shower head: No

Number of swear words used by Dan on discovering this: 4

Explain in two sentences the inherent flaw in the shower head + holder combination: It doesn’t fit, so you have to put the shower head in at a near-vertical angle, using a loop of the shower hose, thus creating a jet of water from the shower that, unimpeded by the opposite wall, could feasibly have a range of about 12 feet (length of bath: less than 6 feet). Plus, when the water is turned off, the resultant drop in water pressure causes the shower head to spring free from the shower head-holder (swift reflexes are therefore required at the conclusion of every shower).

Number of times Dan, almost in tears, rang Sarah The Wonderful Wife, and interrupted her at work to try and get support, encouragement and sympathy: 2

Number of times Wife made soothing noises, gave encouragement and sympathy: 1

Number of times Wife laughed like a drain: 1 (on discovering the shower head jumps off the wall, and that she’d have to stand 10 feet from the shower to get a decent wash)


What my wife thinks I'm doing
What my wife thinks I’m doing

Number of times driven to B&Q in total in order to complete the job: 2

Amount of money Dan spent at B&Q to complete the jobs: Too fucking much

In the second attempt to fit a shower head-holder on the wall, did the new attachment (an adjustable shower rail!) go on successfully first time without any problems: No

How many attempts did it take: Lost count

Is there any lateral movement on the bracket after the second attempt: …Not really

How many swear words were used: 11

How many times was Dan tempted to fling the tools onto the bathroom floor, say “FUCK THE CUNTING THING!!”, and stomp off to have a strong cup of coffee and look at pictures of cats on Buzzfeed: 4

How many times did this actually happen: 2.5 (the third time, I realised I would have to pick my daughter up from school in one hour, and I might as well get on with it)

How many holes in the ceramic tiles were required to fit the attachment: 2

How many holes did Dan drill into the ceramic tiles: 2



How many? Tell me honestly: Well, there are two holes that I’m using, and the others I filled in so nobody can see them unless you look very closely.

What I’m actually doing.
What I'm actually doing
 “It’s more comfortable now that I’m on the floor. No, I’m fine. Just taking a rest. Yes, my legs ARE at an awkward angle, aren’t they…?”


Is the shower head now attached to the shower rail on the wall: Yes

Does it work: Yes

Does the shower head now spring free when water pressure is reduced?: Not often

Will it need re-doing at some point: Yes (probably)

How many CDs listened to in entirety: 2 (King Crimson’s “Red” & “The Best of Bollywood Funk”)

Lunches eaten: 0

Oh, remind me again, what career is Dan currently attempting to start at the moment: Property Development & Maintenance

Length of time estimated to do Job #2: 1 hour

Time left to do it before picking Alice up from school: 45 mins

Time actually taken to do it: 15 mins

Done first time without any problems: Yes

Is it perfect: Yes

Was Alice impressed: Yes, thank God (“Wow! Daddy! That’s BUH-RILLIANT!”)

Awesome Husband/Father Points gained by Dan: 32

How I hope my wife sees me now



One thought on “The Hell of D.I.Y.

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