I am in the kitchen preparing dinner. I am watching The Exorcist on DVD. Alice is safely in the front room with the door closed, watching the hated bastard fucking hippie dreck that is Waybuloo.
I can normally hear my daughter approaching because she cannot help but sing as she runs. Unless she’s on the scooter, in which case, she’s like a Stealth Fighter.
In the film, Max Von Sydow has just shown up.
The Exorcist: “STICK YOUR COCK UP HER ASS, YOU MOTHERFUCKING WORTHLESS COCKSUCKER!”
Alice [silently hoving into view]: “What are you watching Daddy?”
Me [instantly losing 24 Parent Points and rushing for the mute button]: Er… Go away.
Alice [ignoring me]: “What are you watching?”
Me: [sigh] I’m watching a film
A: “What’s it called?”
Me: It’s called The Exorcist. Now go away, I’m cooking.
A [not budging]: “What’s it about?”
Me: It’s about a little girl who has an imaginary friend. Then the imaginary friend becomes a goblin who climbs into her ear and she sort of becomes the goblin, and makes her into a very naughty little girl.
A: “Is she very naughty?”
Me: Yes. Very naughty. Sometimes she reminds me of a certain little…
A: “Does she say naughty words?”
Me: Yes. Now please…
A: “Does she say ‘DAMMIT!’, like you do?”
Me [realising I’ve lost a further 5 points]: Yes. Very naughty words.
A: “What other naughty things does she do?”
Me: She… er… walks upside down on all fours like a spider in the director’s cut. She gets out of bed when she’s not supposed to. She turns her head round a lot. And she does a big wee-wee on the floor in the middle of her mummy’s party.
A: “That’s very naughty!”
Me: And she’s sick on a vicar. All over his jumper.
A [laughing]: “THAT SOUNDS VERY FUNNY!! HAHAHA!”
Me: And then another old vicar comes to see her and reads her some stuff from a book in an attempt to make the goblin go away.
A: “Is it a funny film? It sounds like a funny film!! I want to see it! I want to see The Exo… The Exi… The Ex… The Excitedest!”
Me: No. It’s a very scary film. Very, very scary. It will give you bad dreams.
A: “Ohhh nonono. Does it… Does it have… Darlecks in it?” [Instantly cowers behind scooter handlebars. Alice is frightened of Daleks]
Me: Yes. There are lots of Daleks in it. There are loads and loads of Daleks in The Exorcist.
A: “Oh. I want to watch Waybuloo now. Bye bye Daddy I love you.”
Me: Bye then.
(I wait until I’m pretty sure she’s gone to the front room and is not loitering in the hallway)
[Turns on volume again]
The Exorcist: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!
A [from her hiding place in the hallway]: “Was that a Dalek?”
Me: Yes. Yes it was. Now go and watch Waybuloo.
A: “What did it say?”
Me: Er… It said… Your mother sucks lollipops in a well.
A: “Silly Dalek!” [Exit into front room singing a song about Daleks]
I’m watching All the President’s Men next. There’s some swearing, but at least it ain’t The Exorcist.