A few years’ ago, a trip to the toilet would’ve guaranteed privacy and contemplation, away from the hustle and bustle of the modern world for a few brief moments.
Well, even that can fuck right off into the distance now.
*BAM! BAM! BAM!*
No, I’m on the…
“I need to talk to you!!”
It really isn’t a good…
“I have to spell something to you!!”
I’m on the throne!
Oh, what is it? [sotto voce] Fr fck’s ske… (although slight parental smugness that my 3-yr old kid wants to spell words!)
“Yes. Lum. Do you know what a Lum is?”
I don’t, but I have a feeling you’re about to tell me…
“A Lum, Daddy, is a mouse which looks like an ant and it runs out of the castle going WAK WAK WAK and it sees the dragon and it bites the dragon and its all warm and it wants to be friends with the princess and the princess and the Lum dance and everyone hugs the end. [Triumphantly] That’s what a Lum is. Daddy? Are you listening?”
Yes, I’m listening.
“Can I come in?”
It’s a bit… well, you’d regret it if you came in here right now.
“Oh. I’m going downstairs to polish the sofa. OKIloveyoubyebye”
Bye… Hang on, ‘polish the sofa?’
[Thump-thump-thump as madam descends]
[From downstairs] “Daddy, the sofa doesn’t like me polishing it. Can I polish the bin?”
No, I’d rather you…
[Sound of bin being upended all over the hall floor before I can object]
[Daughter, suddenly angry, oblivious to who actually caused the chaos] “Oh! It’s TOO MESSY IN HERE, DADDY!”