A few days ago, I took advantage of Alice, being entranced by CBeebies for 15 minutes or so, by grabbing a quick bath. I had a gig that night, and I was sweaty and disgusting, and needed to do my hair. I was also getting worrying twinges in my back, so a few minutes hot soak was probably a good idea. I neglected to lock the door. Biiig mistaaaake.
Alice: [coming upstairs] “Daddy? DAAAADDDEEEEEEE?!”
Me: I’m in the bath!
A: “What are you doing?”
Me: I am in the bath, ergo, I am bathing. What do you think I’m doing?
A: “Can I see?”
Me: Well, no, it’s not really a good… woah, hang on!
A: “Hello Daddy! Found you!”
Me: Er… yeah… hi… well done!
A: “What’s that?” [pointing]
Me: Er… [hurriedly covers up]
A: “Is that your-?”
Me: Yes. Yes it is. Yes. Now can you please…
A: “It looks like a big poo!”
Me: It does not!
A: “Willys are poos!”
Me: No they’re not! Stop saying that!
A [thoughtfully]: “My poos look like that but brown!”
Me: Oh. Great. Thanks for that, Alice.
A: “You’re being sarcastic Daddy!”
Me [slightly impressed that she’s grasped sarcasm]: Yes, you’re quite right. I am. Well done. Now go away.
A: “That’s not very nice, Daddy. ‘Go away’ is mean.”
Me: I know, I’m sorry, look, can you just…
A: “It’s not a nice thing to say.”
Me: Oh, and comparing my thingy to a poo is fine, is it?
A [in a sing-song voice, as if reciting something she learned in a manual or rule book]: “ ‘Go away’ is a horrid thing to say to someone you love. You should say something like ‘Please can you leave me alone for a minute?’, or… ‘I would like some time for myself’, or…”
Me: Did nursery teach you that?
A: “No Daddy, you did.”
Me: Oh. (Bugger)
Moral of the story (actually, there’s two):
1. When leaving a child downstairs in front of the TV to fit in a sneaky bath, keep the door unlocked in order to be on hand if there’s a problem. But do so at your own risk.
2. Be a smart-arse when raising your child, get a smart-arse child in return.