Conversations With My Daughter #54

March 2014

Alice has now got Lego, some of which she has inherited from my own childhood stash. Proper Lego, not Duplo. I am anticipating some painful barefoot moments in the months to come.

A: “Daddy, can you help me build something?”
Of course. What are you building?
A: “One of those things Jesus sits on”.
Er… a chair? A donkey? I don’t think I can make a Lego donkey.
A: [exasperated, as though I’m thick] “Noooo Daddy! One of those things that Jesus sits on at Easter!”
Well, he must’ve had a chair at the Last Supp… oh, you mean a crucifix!
A: …*Blank look*
A cross. Like this… [draws a crucifix on a piece of paper]
A: “Yes Daddy, one of those.”
Well, Jesus didn’t exactly sit on a cross.
A: “Was it his spaceship?”
Noooooo… well, sort of… but no. Do you want me to tell you what a crucifix really was?
A: [nods]
Well, prisoners used to be made to lie down on them, and their arms went out like this… and then, the soldiers would NAIL THEIR WRISTS to the cross… [shocked expression from Alice] the legs would hang down there… and then the soldiers would SMASH THE PRISONER’S LEGS WITH HAMMERS TO BREAK ALL THE BONES and NAIL THEIR ANKLES to the cross [hands to face, utter terror, nightmares tonight, excellent parenting Dan, well done]… and then they would’ve hung there for a long time, dying slowly and very painfully, and all the crows would come and peck out the eyes. That’s what a crucifix is. A horrible way to die.
A: “So it wasn’t Jesus’ special throne?”
Well, sort of… but no. It was an instrument of torture and death.
A: “Hmmmm. Urgh. OK. Tell you what: When people come to visit we should wave crucifixes at them!”
Actually, that would put quite a lot of people off visiting us. It’s a bit difficult to explain why.
A: “Why? Because we like Jesus!”
Er… well, actually… this is something we should talk about another time… but Mummy and I don’t really…
A: “Daddy, I believe in Jesus”.
Do you? OK. Why?
A: “Because I saw it in a puppet show in school. If something’s in a puppet show, then it must be true”.
A: [looking out of the window] “Daddy, I should tell you: I’m very cool.”


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