• Tells the occasional fib.

• Looks at dessert menus.

"Fuck YEAH! Banoffeee Pie!!"
“Fuck YEAH! Banoffeee Pie!!”

• Reads words & understands them, frowning and nodding in equal measure, but only on Thursdays.

• Changes gear on his car when increasing speed.

• Talks to people rather than screeching at them like a macaw.

• Uses toilets unselfishly.

"No matter how pushed for time I am, I always clean under the rim"
“No matter how pushed for time I am, I always clean under the rim”

• Looks at the view and remarks on how pleasant it is.

• Likes some breeds of dog. Not all, just some.

• Lives in a house with a roof.

• Greets his friends by running his hand down their faces.

• Has a central nervous system.

(Wang not labelled).
(Wang not labelled).

• Can change his eye colour at will.

• Makes appropriate comments to people about their chosen careers.

• Uses an on/off button to switch on their televisions, and is never seen prodding the carpet and crying instead.

• Is suspicious of mosquitoes.

• Is qualified to travel through multiple dimensions using a portal, or some sort of hyperdimensional travel vehicle.

• Can nod.

• Is easily confused by bus drivers.

"I'm sorry, I just... I can't... I'm really having trouble with this...hang on, what??"
“I’m sorry, I just… I can’t… I’m really having trouble with this…hang on, what??”

• Deserved to win that award.

• Can sing a variety of songs.

• Always salutes before opening doors.

• Cannot hold a drill without pretending it is a gun.

• Says ‘Please’, doesn’t always say ‘Thank You’.

• That thing he’s doing? Yes, he is qualified to do that. It’s OK, I checked.

• Uses a chair for sitting, and not as a communication device.

• Used to smoke, gave up, secretly wants to smoke, but won’t because he knows it would disappoint you if he did.

• Doesn’t understand bingo.

• Watches Werner Herzog films.

"Awwww, yisssss!"
“Awwww, yisssss!”

• Holds the telephone away from his ear when it rings and, if someone asks for him when he answers it, says “Yes, this is he”.

• Welcomes the sight of hot-air balloons.

• Miaows sometimes.

• Secretly wants to be a drummer in a rock band.

• Appreciates the naked male form.

"Yep, looking good..."
“Yep, looking good…”

• Defecates strongly.

• Picks at his scabs.

• Can’t tell the time.

• Can vouch for Edward.

"Yeah, he's fine"
“Yeah, he’s fine. In fact, he’s brilliant. You want him on your side, for sure”
"Can't beat a good Eddie..."
“You can’t beat a good Eddie…”
"Yeah, sure, I can totally recommend him!"
“Yeah, sure, I can totally recommend him!”
"Edward Seymour? 1st Duke of Somerset??! Of course! You'd be a fool not to!"
“Edward Seymour? 1st Duke of Somerset??! Of course! You’d be a fool not to!”
"Um... yeah... why not?"
“Um… yeah… I reckon he’d do a good job. OK, a reasonable job. Oh, all right, he doesn’t really do work, but you know what I mean. He’ll do.”
"If you must, I suppose..."
“If you must, I suppose…”
"Of course not. Well, he's not a real Edward, is he? And he's undead anyway. Nope. I can't vouch for him at all."
“Of course not. Well, he’s not a real Edward, is he? And he’s undead anyway. Nope. I can’t vouch for him at all.”

• Refuses to join political parties.

• Stands at the door and decides who can enter.

• Can go to France.

• Is issued with a limited quota of tasteless and offensive jokes at birth, but should have used them all up by now. Consequently, he fights bigotry in all its forms. Sometimes in a cape. Sometimes with his wand (and that isn’t a euphemism for penis, he actually does have a wand for performing magic with).

• Regards every bout of food poisoning as a new opportunity.

• Doesn’t believe in Feta Cheese (“It’s just salty Wensleydale in milky water. It’s a marketing invention, and doesn’t really exist…”).

Nuh-uh. No way. It's a complete fabrication.
Nuh-uh. No way. It’s a complete fabrication.

• Can speak Cow.

• Looks at large, straight, erect monuments (the Eiffel Tower, Empire State Building, Big Ben, The Washington Monument, etc) and doesn’t feel intimidated, but does at least accept when he is beaten. He also knows that Big Ben is the name of the bell in the tower, not the name of the tower itself, but doesn’t care for your pedantry right now.

• Is a reliable mechanic and carpenter and only ever charges mates’ rates.

• Wants to own beehives.

• Makes a “hrrmmmmm” noise when someone wishes him Happy Christmas. If Happy Christmas is wished outside of December, he is officially licenced to growl at you.

• Wrote a really good reference for you last time you were unemployed.

• Pours scorn on wombats (“Fucking wombats…”).

Look at him going somewhere, doing stuff. What a prick.
Look at him going somewhere, doing stuff. What a prick.

• Contemplates growing his fingernails really long so that he has his own bladed weapons in his hand. Like Wolverine.

• Always pays in cash, and doesn’t use a credit or debit card unless he absolutely has to.

• Makes Foccacia bread.

• Has ‘King Lear’ as his favourite Shakespeare play.

• Pupates throughout his adolescence.

• Only uses bad language when the matter of wombats is raised.

Motherfucking dickwad...
Motherfucking dickwad…

• Has tear ducts located behind his knees.

• Doesn’t know where Finland is.
• Hates the cross-channel ferry for no real reason.

• Occasionally lactates.

• Shaved your mum recently.

And above all…
Doesn’t need a list telling him what he needs to do in order to be a “real” man.

Behind the Scenes trivia: You know how sometimes on Facebook, a less-than-close acquaintance might post up a meme or share a thread from some frighteningly far-right racist organisation? It’s embarrassing and depressing, isn’t it? This happens to me, except that, the other day, instead of the usual bad-grammar racist nonsense, a rather distant acquaintance (since deleted) shared one mind-boggling post. This particular far-right organisation put up a list of “Real Man” qualities for the benefit of their furious, knuckle-dragging, furrow-browed, street-thug followers; you know the sort of thing: “A Real Man opens the door for ladies”, “A Real Man would defend his country”, “A Real Man sticks up for those who are weaker than he is”, “A Real Man remembers the fallen”, “A Real Man shows courtesy and manners at all times”, “A Real Man obeys the law”, “A Real Man honours and respects his parents”, “A Real Man works hard for a living”, and so on. I hate this sort of “real man” nonsense at the best of times, but to be lectured on how to be a decent human being by people who are anything but was deeply ironic to me. Hence this post.


Little fucking arsehole...
Little fucking arsehole



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