99 Things My Kid Has Done That Would Be Really Creepy If I Did Them

My daughter is six years old right now, and this list is just some of the things she’s done in her lifetime that no adult could get away with doing. Sometimes, people actually like her doing this stuff, because they claim that it is “cute” and “adorable”. She’s got no top front teeth at the moment and butter just would not melt in her mouth. When she does things, whatever they are, people generally say “Awwwwww!”

Now imagine a bearded, overweight man in the arse-end of his 30s doing these things. I bet they wouldn’t be saying “cute” and “adorable”. They’d say things like “breakdown”, and “psychiatric treatment”, and “for fuck’s sake, keep away from my children”. They don’t say “Awwww!”; they say “Aaarggh!” and “Ugh!”

So here’s a list of the things she can do without any consequence, and if I did them, you can betcha-by-golly-wow, there would be consequence. Lots of consequence. And probably a taser being discharged:

1. Wear my pyjamas outside of the house

2. Go up to a random boy and, apropos of nothing, say “You’re my boyfriend now!”

3. On seeing a friend, shout their name really loudly and run up to them in a crowded outdoor space, and give them a flying hug

4. Talk to the television through the speaker grill as if all the people on the screen can hear me

"Long live the new flesh!"
Long live the new flesh!

5. Walk around in public talking to people I meet, with a river of snot pouring from my nose

6. Suddenly plunge my hands into my underpants

7. Scratch my bottom in public

8. Talk to an invisible friend

9. Have an argument with my invisible friend

10. Decide to hold a lifelong grudge against that invisible friend

I went on Google Images to search for 'imaginary friends', and this, believe it or not, was the LEAST creepy one I could find. It still gives me the heebies.
I went on Google Images to search for ‘imaginary friends’, and this, believe it or not, was the LEAST creepy one I could find, and it still gives me the heebies.

11. Invite other people to come and watch me use the toilet

12. Climb all over other adults

13. Have cheerful unsolicited conversations with total strangers

14. Constantly demand attention from everyone in the room

15. Sing that much

16. Fail to check whether or not a boy wants to be my husband before announcing to anyone within earshot that we’re now married

17. Announce that I need a wee in a really loud voice

18. Run that much

19. Spin around on the spot for my own amusement

um2PpHh

20. Demand treats on a daily basis

21. Be constantly thrilled by children’s television

22. Draw jagged and demented Gothic portraits of imaginary characters who apparently talk to me at night

23. Insist that I am much cleverer than you

24. Act as a noisy alarm clock for everyone in my house

25. Get into bed with my parents

26. Make friends with rocks and give them all names

27. Go splashing in a paddling pool in my underwear, usually in a playground full of children

28. Jump on my friends’ parents’ bed

29. On entering a really large, echoing room, scream as loud as I can

30. Believe that the Mr Men are real

31. Greet every single daisy on a lawn by name

32. Ask my parents to check if I’ve wiped my bottom properly

33. Eat with my fingers

34. Greet the man who has come to fix the boiler as if he were an old and dear friend, and insist on telling him about Harry Potter, and how I’m going to be married to Harry Potter one day

35. Invent my own language, and then talk to people using my new language without translating for their benefit

36. Say the word “VAGINA!” really loud

"FRONT BUMS!!"
FRONT BUMS!!

37. Claim that I am a citizen of a totally fictional country

38. Declare that I am the autonomous ruler of a totally fictional country

39. Declare war on other people on behalf of my fictional country

40. Cut food by stabbing it repeatedly

41. Read books out loud

42. Have books read to me

43. Be disgusted by every meal placed in front of me

"I'm sorry, but I promised myself that when I grew up, I would live life like a motherfucker, and rule #1 is: No veg ever. They're shit."
I’m sorry, but I promised myself that when I grew up, I would live life like a motherfucker, and rule #1 is: No veg ever. They’re shit.

44. Insist that vegetables are wrong

45. Completely refute hundreds of years of science by saying that boiling water does not make steam

46. Deny the existence of things that are known, photographed, and regularly experienced by millions of people, even if said thing is right in front of me e.g. cheese sandwiches

47. Insist, very angrily, that something exists just because I happen to have just made it up

48. Refuse to get dressed every morning

49. Refuse to go to bed at night

50. Suddenly change my mind about doing something I’ve been looking forward to and nagging my parents about for weeks, e.g. trip to zoo or theme park or pantomime when parents have pre-booked tickets

51. Watch the same television programme or film over and over again

"OK, so family film choice...?" All: "BLADE RUNNER! BLADE RUNNER!"
“OK, so family film choice…?”
All: “BLADE RUNNER! BLADE RUNNER!”

52. Once something has ended or run out, demand another five minutes’ worth of it

53. Dress like a member of a fantasy royal family and then insist that I wear that outfit on a family outing to the zoo

54. Get really angry about toothpaste

55. Be obsessed with bodily functions and fluids

56. Punish my toys for not wanting to play with me

57. Get violently angry if someone gently suggests Father Christmas doesn’t exist

58. Eat chocolate by smearing it around my mouth, and then use my tongue to lick it off

59. Tell people that I have a career in “spelling words and colouring in”

60. When excited, scream at ear-splitting frequency

61. Tell everyone how brilliant I am

62. Tell everyone how beautiful I am

63. Lick all the icing off a cupcake and leave the cake for someone else to eat

Makes no fucking difference. They all end up as soggy sponge cakes with saliva dribbled all over them.
Imagine if I took these now and licked all the icing off, leaving soggy cupcakes, drenched in my saliva, and then I grinned at you with chocolate smeared around my mouth. You’d fear for your safety, wouldn’t you?

64. Go to someone’s house for a meal, and refuse to eat something they cooked me because it is “yucky”

65. Refuse to leave my friend’s house when it is their bedtime and they want to go to sleep

66. Have sleepovers with all of my friends

67. Go over to my friend’s house and try on all their clothes

68. Always dance in the middle of an empty dance floor

69. Bite my toenails

70. Insist on wearing a squirrel costume at the most inappropriate moment e.g. class assembly about stranger-danger

71. Write letters to people just to let them know that I love them

72. Insist on gawping at road accidents

73. Encourage others to have a “naked party”

74. Go to a restaurant, and spend time walking up to other diners and… stare at them

75. Completely destroy my opponent in a debate by saying “because”

76. Describe shopping as being “not fair”

"Look, a sign that sums up the shopping experience! It reads 'This is balls'"
Look, a sign that sums up the shopping experience! It reads ‘This is balls’

77. Have an item of clothing that is more precious than a religious artefact

78. Terrify cats and dogs by being over-affectionate

79. Ask people when they’re likely to die

80. Go up to people and poke them

81. Dribble

82. When encountering a member of the police force, salute them in a very solemn fashion

83. Insist that things look better when they’re upside-down

84. Inform anyone who is injured or ill that I am a fully-qualified doctor and that I will look after them

85. Cast spells

86. Invent a game, get a bunch of people to play it, don’t tell anyone the rules, and then get cross at the people for not following the rules of the game

87. Use the fact that I am two months older than someone else as evidence that I am a superior being to them

"And I say to all of those who opposed the UK's involvement in the Iraq conflict that they should shut up because I'm older than them, and they smell of wee"
“…And I say to all of those who opposed the UK’s involvement in the Iraq conflict, that they should shut up because I’m older than them, and they smell of wee

88. Invade other people’s personal space with absolute impunity

89. Insist on listening to the same CD every single night

90. Shout about my human rights being violated every time I’m asked to tidy something up

91. Insist that other people pay for everything

92. Encourage insects to live in our house

93. Point at people and, in a very carrying voice, say how ugly they are

94. Claim that a fictional character will one day marry me

95. If I see children wearing facepaint, get really cross with them for no reason

96. Have a phobia of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’

97. Say “I’m boooooored” really loudly at every formal gathering, including funerals

98. Stare at grown-ups for ages

99. Laugh out loud whenever someone mentions a naked body part, particularly by a less informal name, such as a willy, a bum, or boobs

(actually, to be fair, I still do that one)

"Tee-hee!"
Tee-hee!
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