Last Sunday morning, after preparing Alice’s breakfast, I flumped myself down onto the sofa. In doing so, my bum landed on her Octonaut* Alert Button, a large red device that shrieks out a whoop-whoop siren and some unnecessarily loud dialogue (“WHOOOOP! WHOOOOP! WHOOOOP! OCTONAUTS TO THE RESCUE!!”), which Alice had been deliberately setting off the previous day just to annoy Sarah and I.
Bloody thing!, I yelped in shock. Alice looked up, aghast.
“DADDY! That’s RUDE! Don’t swear!”
So that’s why I, an overweight man in his late-30s wearing striped pyjamas, began his Sunday by mumbling sincere and chastened apologies to a six-year-old girl and a hooting shouty red thing. It’s possibly the least heroic I have ever been.
*Octonauts. Surprisingly brilliant children’s TV prog about rescuing sea creatures and the environment. The Octonauts are a gang led by a polar bear, featuring an otter, a pirate tiger, an octopus with a monocle, and for reasons nobody has explained to me coherently (thanks Alice), some walking turnips with faces and voices. All of the Octonauts have the same basic faces, which is confusing. An octopus should not look like a polar bear IMHO.
As well as featuring your standard sea creatures (dolphins, sea otters, humpback whales, fish), it also features the really fucking brilliant deep sea creatures, like Vampire Squid
and Sea Pigs.
I totally recommend it.