So, let’s recap.
This week, it’s all about one of the most important, but also one of the most intimidating things about being unemployed: The Application Form. The thing that could guarantee your employment could suck all life force from you, but don’t despair! All it takes is a bit of gumption, a bit of confidence, and maybe a human sacrifice to their demonic God.
This, however, is the application form that beats you into submission.
Information for applicants
CVs will not be accepted. BECAUSE YOUR CV IS FULL OF JOBS THAT WILL NOT BE RELEVENT TO THIS POST
- All sections of the form must be fretted over for far too long.
- Please read the enclosed guidance notes at the end of this form for more destruction of your self-esteem and to enhance the nagging feeling that you’ve filled the form in wrong.
- The information contained in this form will be treated as confidential (Oh yes. Confidential. Suuuuure.)
|Job Title you’d actually like in a perfect world (NB: As you know all too well, this is not a perfect world):
Enhanced human with laser-beamy eyes
MeName you give yourself in your head:
DR SHITBRAINS (and even then, then doctorate was bought off an Online University)
Post code: TW47 F4C3
|Telephone numbers (incl. area code):||Home: 123-4-5 678910 ELEVEN TWELVE!||Daytime: The same. I won’t answer. I only get calls from scam operations in Mumbai these days|
|Mobile: 07734 55378008 (turn it upside-down. It says ‘Boobless Hello’ on a calculator. Hilarious!)||Bananaphone: Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring…|
|E-mail address: Desperateforevenashittyjob@drshitbrains.com|
|Are you applying for this job on a job share basis so that someone else can sort out the inevitable mess you’ll make?||Yeah, that would be sweet||No. They’ll only get frustrated with me|
Role Applied For
|Role applied for: Assistant Loser|
|Department: The Department of Mirth||Closing date: Yesterday. I misread the job advert, and now I’m panicking.|
|How did you find out about the vacancy: Someone screamed it into my face during a pub fight.|
Applicants offered a post will be forced to justify their qualifications on appointment.
|Secondary schools and/or colleges attended||Full or part time||From||To||At what point did you quit?|
|The University of Fucking Up||Full||Sept 1995||July 1998||BA (hons) 2:2 in Ennui|
|St Ostracise Comprehensive School||Full||Sept 1993||July 1995||3 A-Levels:
B – Resentment, B – Parental Disapproval, E – Success
|St Ostracise Comprehensive School||Full||Sept 1988||July 1993||10 GCSEs:
A – Awkwardness
A – Social Anxiety
B – Very Sad English Literature
B – Solipsistic Indie Songs
B – Embarrassing Encounters with the Opposite Sex
C – French Exchange Disaster
C – Utter Confusion
C – Really Looking Forward to Leaving This Fucking Place and All These Absolute Cunts Far Behind
C – Feeling Left Out
Training (e.g. short courses; further development; all of which pointless)
|Course title||Date||Qualification (if appropriate)|
|Plastering for Dunces||July/August 2013||Piece of paper with the words “stop being stupid” written in crayon|
|IT Night School||Mar/Apr 2008||A look of contempt from the teacher|
|Network Management||Sept 2005||A qualification that is meaningless in all walks of life|
Membership of professional bodies and date of admission:
|The Guild of Master Arseholes since 1976|
Present/most recent employer who hated you (this may be paid or unpaid)
|Job Title: Self-employed||Salary: £Mung beans|
|Brief description of job and main duties:
Developing my own business of staring out of the window and wishing I was someone else with a bit more pizazz. This is how I earn a living these days
In doing so I undertook the following:
The business is currently sold subject to contract, and a substantial profit is expected before all the legal costs and taxes wipe out every single crumb I strived for
|Start date in this job: July 2013||End date (if appropriate): It Never Ends|
|Name of employer: Self-employed
Address: Just post it in my mouth
Post code: Numbers and letters Telephone no: Yes! Exactly this – “Telephone, nooo!”
|How much notice do you need to give?
Did you not read what I said up there? It Never Ends!!
Previous employment and wastes of life (this may be paid or unpaid)
Please put most recent job first. (Any gaps in employment history must be expunged. Any dismissal or redundancy must be clearly lied about).
|Name and address of employer||Job title and main duties||From||To||Reason for leaving||Final salary|
|Unfulfilling Career Choice Made in my Mid-20s That I ended up Lumped With for 8 Years Inc.
ShruggingStaring at the Clock and Wishing for Time To Fly By
Surreptitiously checking emails and FacebookDoing the Least Amount of Work I Could Get Away With
Occasionally Being Tutted At by a Superior and Being Summoned Into Their Office With The Chilling Phrase “Can I Have A Word?” Before Getting A Profound Bollocking.
|Jan 2005||July 2013||The empty void in my soul became too much to bear. I wish I could say I left on a cloud of fart gas with both fists raised aloft in triumph, but I actually left without much fuss and had a poorly attended leaving do in the pub after work||Enough to live and socialise on, but not enough to secure myself for retirement|
|Pointless Administrative Taskmaster Bastards
|Assistant Attempt At Being A Grown-up
Multiple Coffee BreaksLaughing at Cat GifsWishing I Worked Somewhere Else
Occasionally Being Tutted At by a Superior and Being Summoned Into Their Office With The Chilling Phrase “Can We Have A Chat?”
|Sept 2001||July 2004||Ran out of fucks to give.||Surprisingly Generous, but Not Enough to Placate the Gnawing Feeling At The Core of My Being|
Enforced Jollity Road
Providing office support, weak laughter, lily-livered tacit approval of sexism/racism/homophobia in the workplace, dealing with twatty colleagues who blatantly take the piss while I make more of an effort than I should, phone contact with utter arseholes, excruciating conversations about rubbish I don’t watch on TV anyway, tolerance of some properly shit-filled opinions, wondering how the supervisors actually got their jobs because they do the square root of fuck all, and taking minutes at board level (board members being gassy pricks who chortle about golf)
|April 2001||Sept 2001||I just couldn’t take the walk to work through the financial part of town any more. So much money floating about in these towers of steel and concrete. So many grim faces. So many…||A fairly insulting amount|
|11/2000 – 4/2001.
Period of temp employment.
Worked as temp administrator for various wankers for shit pay and an endless eroding of my self-worth
|Centre for Arts and Art Things
I worked behind a bar in an Arts Centre run by a woman in a jumper. You honestly wouldn’t believe how many alcoholics there are working in the arts. Really, it’s amazing. The bar basically funded the fucking place.
|Closure of centre because all the alcoholics ran out of funding||£0.50p per shift.
“Its the arts, dearie. There’s not enough funding”.
Grease-Under-the-Fingernails Shopping Mall
Serving rude bovine humans whilst wearing a stupid fucking hat and stripy shirt after completing my degree in Superior Cleverness.
|July 1998||April 1999, which was far too long to stay in that shite||Needing a job with regular money after living high on the hog as a student in the 1990s before the bastard universities started charging £BUMSEX for a BA Hons degree in hiphop, or whatever||£a fucking pittance|
Please continue wiping on an additional sheet if necessary
Please say how your lack of skills, ignorance, paltry amount of knowledge and previous bad experiences in employment, whether paid or unpaid, are relevant to this unfulfilling post and how they meet the criteria listed on the employee specification by giving practical examples of your ineptitude and failure. You should refer to every single moment of regret in your life, how much your parents despise you, and the enclosed guidance notes when completing this sheet. You can also outline your lack of successful relationships, whether in paid employment or elsewhere to demonstrate personal qualities or interests. This won’t help you, seeing as you have no qualities, and you’re certainly not interesting. Please continue writing reams of bullshit about your boring-as-piss-drying life on a separate sheet, if necessary.
Please note you should complete this section with enough evidence to demonstrate how you meet all of the essential criteria, and make at least three hilarious grammatical errors. Without this you cannot be shortlisted
|I am a motivated and hard-working individual with a commitment to doing the very best work, especially under time and budget restraints. I enjoy working in a demanding and stimulating creative environment, either as part of a team or on my own. At least, that’s what I think you want me to say.
I have four years’ experience working in pointless administration, and 12 years in a hateful office environment working with people I really couldn’t stand, sometimes with people who in school would be unkindly described as having special educational needs; and over 10 years’ experience of irrelevant freelance, or rather, “unpaid” work. This means I am motivated to produce work of the highest quality. I am used to working under pressure and to tight deadlines, and to write nonsensical twaddle in order to fill out sheets such as these.
Recently, I have been working as a Self-employed… er… unemployed person. This has meant being driven, disciplined, and tenacious in business dealings with nobody. Again, I have evidenced this by using words and phrases that might catch your eye and distract you from the obvious litany of poor life and career choices I have made. I have been motivated to work hard every day on my own initiative. Initiative: That’s another word you fuckers like. I have acquired new skills on a rapid learning curve, and I have worked in partnership with others to present a shining example of what it is to be a bit irrelevant in all things. I’ve been working up to seven days a week in a high-stress environment, under the limitations of a strict budget using my own capital, keeping track of all expenditure and correspondence, communicating with working partners and trades-people, and dealing with complex issues concerning estate agents, trades-people, and solicitors; or to put it another way, I’ve been doing the housework. And not very successfully, I might add. I have been successful in resolving all issues with any arsey cunts in a professional and courteous manner.
I am a self-motivated and determined person, able to juggle a varying workload and able to take on difficult responsibilities. If you’re not impressed by that sentence you might as well stop reading right there. My work often involved dealing with difficult and sensitive situations, and resolving issues effectively in a positive manner, usually by talking about Eastenders, which I never watch, but I pick up enough from the front pages of tabloid newspapers to fake it. I work very well as part of a team of people who hold less politically liberal views than I do. I am excited by the prospect of working with others, particularly towards a common goal, sharing in the joy of achieving something as part of a group, and I am a naturally collaborative person, sensitive to the collective needs of my colleagues, and I’ll try and claim credit for our joint work. Though I often wish they’d all die and leave me alone.
I am a fluent and effective communicator, able to convey difficult and complex information, an excellent demonstrator and performer in public with an entertainingly awkward presentation style, and able to provide formal correspondence that wot make me look lyk a big boy all growed up.
In my work as an assistant doing assisting things, which at least prevented me from having any real responsibilities at three different companies (See my woeful employment history above), I was often required to keep track of filing, do more filing, filing things away, finding files for people who are perfectly capable of looking for files themselves but decided to delegate to me to root through decades’-worth of files for one line of text, opening filing cabinets, closing filing cabinets, looking through files, not finding what I wanted to find in files, and spent plenty of time surrounding myself with a concentric nest of files, with me at the centre weeping copiously.
I have also done things that people in offices are supposed to do: Answer phones, create purchase orders, take minutes at meetings up to board level, write stuff, fill in forms, report to someone senior than me, dreamed of a better life that isn’t this one, be the first point of contact on phone and email for all official and public queries, handled boneheaded public queries from morons, handled even more boneheaded queries from people we have professional relationships with, hushed up office romances, looked blankly at finances and banking, wished I was a rock star, cured Ebola, answer all booking enquiries, sent vaguely sexist jokes around the office and cc’d it to the wrong people, arrange hospitality, negotiate arms deals, organise refreshments, setting up rooms and equipment, and maintaining a presentable environment, i.e. I was roped into doing some hoovering when the cleaners were on strike. I am an articulate speaker and writer, this is evidenced by me having presented presentations I chucked together on Powerpoint three hours before I was summoned into a featureless chamber in front of a bunch of disinterested senior figures who then didn’t quite get the gist of what I was trying to convey.
I am proficient in a number of standard computer packages, especially MS Word, Outlook, and EXCEL. Other than that, I’m very good at ringing the IT department. But that’s OK, because everyone who has ever worked above me, including all my supervisors, haven’t got a fucking clue how to use email, so they ask me to sort it out. Every. Single. Time. And these people are in continuous employment?? Do you not notice they’re completely incompetent? What the fuck is wrong with your HR department??!
I am experienced in actually you don’t give a rat’s fuck what I’m writing here. All I want is a job. I don’t want to work for you, but I need a job. Just give me a job. I don’t want to sound like an Alan Bleasdale character, but I could do your job just as well as you do your job. I’m sure you could find me something to do, can’t you? Look, I’ve been out of work for months, my wife is supporting me, and I can’t find jack shit. I’m just sat here filling in application form after application form and wanting to have money coming into my bank account, even if it’s for monkey work, but I haven’t achieved anything, other than a few miserable interviews. And even then, I don’t usually get a response. You won’t respond to this. You’ll just leave me dangling here while I wonder if I’ll ever find work again. Aaaand I’m back in the room.
I feel I have a great deal of experience to offer. I would relish the opportunity to work at Whoever You Are. I bring a professional and organised approach work, as well as a confident, enthusiastic and disciplined attitude, ready to tackle any challenge, and be a valued member of a vibrant and co-operative team. And that’s what I really, really want you to believe.
Please give the name and address of two people who vaguely from whom we may seek information regarding your suitability for employment. If you are currently employed, one of the referees must be your current/most recent employer (see guidance notes).
|Name: Mr Previous Boss||Name: Phil Mate|
Unfulfilling Career Choice Made in my Mid-20s That I ended up Lumped With for 8 Years Inc.
House of Phil
22 Phil Street
|Tel No. (Incl. area code): 0100 100100||Tel No. (Incl. area code): 07777 777 777|
|Fax: (who the fuck uses a fax anymore?)||Fax: P£N15 D74W1NG|
|E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org||E-mail: email@example.com|
|Job title: The Crusher of my Hopes and Dreams||Job title: Not my mate pretending to be a former boss|
|If shortlisted for interview, please give any dates when you would be available to be pissed on:
You’ll probably want me to come in on my kid’s birthday, won’t you? And even then you won’t give me a job. So I’ll return home in my tatty-but-attempted-to-iron-it-in-an-effort-to-look-adult suit, and have my wife say “How did it go?”, and I’ll say “Shit” and burst into tears; then look up and see my kid, her friends and their parents all standing around waiting to blow out the candles.
Do you have any unspent criminal convictions? Yes/No
If yes, please provide details below. You do not have to tell us about any convictions that are spent (as defined by the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974). You must disclose all unspent convictions of any offence.
|Traffic cone arse amusement gone wrong||A telling off by a late-shift desk officer who has seen it all before and laughed when I started crying and apologising as I sobered up and realised How Much Shit I Was In|
|Possessing a miniscule crumb of hashish||A telling off by a late-shift desk sergeant who threatened to tell my mum. He never did, but I’m still scared he will. Please don’t tell my mum, she still doesn’t know about either the arrest, or the drugs.|
Please state below if you are related to or have a close personal relationship with any Employee of the Company Wot You Are Applying To:
I wish I knew someone who could help. But I don’t.
|Relationship: I actually think nepotism would help me out right now, but I reckon every member of my family is disappointed with me.|
‘I declare that the information contained in every section of this application is correct, and is a window into my pathetic life for you all to have a peek through and giggle at’.
2 June 2016
Please note that any false claim may make this application perfectly acceptable. If employment has begun, you may be blackmailed.
Equal Opportunities Monitoring Form
Thingummy Wotsit is an Equal Opportunities employer and is working towards making sure that the workforce fairly represents all sections of the community. We can only judge our success in this area if we have full information regarding the gender, ethnicity and disability of all applicants. This information will be kept confidential and used only for monitoring purposes by the Ministry of Social Purity. We will detach this sheet before it is sent to a selection panel, upon receipt of which, you will be… processed. Please note that none* of the questions in this section are compulsory. (*all)
|Date of birth (Applicants must be aged over 16 when they commence employment):
01/01/too long ago
|Genitals (please tick):||Crabby Minge||Tiny Wand|
Feeble: The Feebleness Discrimination Act 1995 defines Feeble as: “A depressing impairment which has a substantial or long-term adverse effect on their ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities, yet they should suck it up”.
|Do you consider yourself to be a Feeble Person:||Yes||No|
Type of Person: Please note that these categories reflect those used in the 2001 Census.
How would you describe you as a Type of Person? (If you do not identify with any of the categories listed, just pick the nearest one so we can put you into a box) Please tick half a box and then change your mind.
|Sporty||Active and smug|
|Aggressive towards people who are different in some way, especially fat people|
|Wears sport clothes. Shouts a lot in pubs and the street due to swaggering sense of prickishness|
|Conniving and wants promotion|
|Workplace coke-addled bully|
|Creative||Arty and colourful but secretly wishes they could make a living from their Etsy page|
|Sullen and thoughtful and writes peevish comments about barely disguised co-workers in the novel they’re writing|
|Bores everyone with their music taste and wants to be a rock star and get up at 11am|
|Pours all their creativity into writing emails|
|Mindless Drone||Watches Strictly, talks about little else|
|Reads the Daily Mail, talks about everything they read in the paper. Avoid.|
|Secretive||Don’t know/not sure/determined to create an air of mystery in the office/slightly freaks people out|
|Would rather not state how many bodies|
|How would you describe your religion/belief?|
|Pious as fuck|
|Makes for awkward conversations|
|Is not invited to social events because they abstain from consuming anything fun|
|Quite severely religious, but easily tempted by Naughty Things; feels immense guilt about the internal conflict for 20 years, finally gives in during a moment of weakness at a works do and becomes horrifically bitter about religious upbringing. Subsequently much more fun to be around|
|No religion, apart from being ironically evangelical about the God Emperor Dawkins, Worships Dawkins, loves Dawkins, bases life on the teachings of Dawkins. Normal God is Stupid!|
|Religions are bad. Politics are bad. Boring person who has a Bill Hicks CD and complains about Starbucks whilst buying coffee from Costa.|
|Ummmm…. if you don’t mind, I’d would rather not get involved in such controversial matters. Everyone’s entitled to respect everyone’s religious affiliation in the entire world.|
|How would you describe your sexual orientation?|
|Normal, vanilla, twice a month|
|Disgusting. Too handsy in the lift and letchy in the office banter. Leers at low-cut tops. Do not approach at office party. Somehow gets away with it even after four official complaints. Probably son of board member.|
|A bit disturbing. Talks too much about it.|
|Strap me up, slap me hard, twist my nipples, and piss in my mouth. I am so your bitch.|
|Definitely illegal. Do not look at my internet browser history.|
Please return the completed form via email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Or by post to:
The HR Commander
H4T3 1T 4LL
Guidelines on the application form
Thank you for your interest in applying for a job with Thingummy Wotsit. We’ve put the following notes together to help you understand how our mind powers work and how to lower your expectations in order to fill in your application form as effectively as possible. You are advised to read them before we beat you up.
All relevant information will be ignored on the application form, although you may attach additional sheets if there is insufficient space on the relevant sections of the form, not that it will help. We’ll just mutter “tl; dr” under our breath at everything you write, even though it will take you all day to complete this fucking form. CVs will not be accepted because we’re just not interested in your polished, abridged, and condensed version of your life.
Understanding the job
Please read the job description carefully before making your application. This document contains background information on Thingummy Wotsit and the relevant team that the role is part of. The “Key Responsibilities” section in the job description describes the mundane, soul-crushing day to day reality of your life, duties and accountabilities in more depressing detail. The “Employee Specification” section in the job description describes the incompetencies, lack of knowledge, skills and gaps in your experience you will have to sex-up in order to fulfil the role. Please pay attention to any special working conditions detailed, such as shift-work or late-night working, because we have every intention of sodomising your work-life balance.
The application form
How you complete the application form is very important, you massive durbrain, because shortlisting from this form is the first stage of the selection procedure. The information you give will be used to decide whether you will be invited to interview, or whether we’ll summon you in as a sacrifice to Azezael. ALL HAIL AZEZAEL.
All applications, from both internal and external candidates, are considered against the criteria contained in the employee specification which I know you haven’t read. Applicants must meet at least all the essential criteria contained in the employee specification to be considered for any hope in advancing in life.
If there are a large number of applicants (and there will be because, y’know, This Government, Eh?), the desirable and advantageous criteria will also be considered, so it’s extremely important that you lie copiously about how you meet all the essential criteria and as many of the other criteria as possible so we have a false but impressive picture of your skills, experience and abilities.
If you need to continue on a separate sheet for any of the sections please do so, making sure that the additional information for each section is clearly headed, eg “No wait, I have so much more to give!”. Please clearly label these extra sheets with your name and the role you are applying for, otherwise we will find you.
Please be a bit evasive about any gaps in your employment history.
Once you’ve completed the application form, please keep it on your desktop for three days while you tinker with it, edit it, change bits around, cut out any extraneous waffle, and then submit it having not bothered to spellcheck, or make sure the formatting is legible, but having a sneaking suspicious you missed doing something vitally important.
Please send the completed application form to the address shown on it and NOT to any other address supplied with the job details or in the advert. Don’t be an idiot. We’ll notice straight away.
Convictions and Disclosure
The Rehabilitation of Crims and Ne’er-Do-Wells Act of 1982 gives individuals the right not to disclose details of old offences as they are deemed to be “spent” and you’ve attempted to “go straight, guv”. However, for some jobs employers are allowed to ask about these offences, just for gossip purposes, you understand. Certain jobs, such as those working with children or vulnerable adults, will require a check on previous convictions [including those deemed to be spent] in order to make sure you’re not a creepy wrong ‘un, plus details of any cautions, thick ears, reprimands, wagging fingers, or stern warnings. Where disclosure is appropriate, the application form will indicate the level required for the job in question.
We will follow the Criminal Records Bureau Code of Practice concerning the use of information gained from the Disclosure Service, which ensures that sensitive personal information is shared around the office appropriately and is kept for only as long as necessary.
Equal Opportunities/Monitoring Form
Thingummy Wotsit is an equal opportunities employer and particularly welcomes applications from groups currently discriminated against in our wider society. It is essential that we monitor the effectiveness of our society-cleansing policy, and to help us do this we appreciate your co-operation in completing the form. This information will not be used when short-listing, and all information will be treated in the strictest lack of confidence. You’d know all about lack of confidence, wouldn’t you?
Thingummy Wotsit is committed to making reasonable adjustments to make interviews and jobs more terrifying to frightened people. If you are invited to interview you will be asked to let us know if you have any particular fears and anxieties concerning job interviews, and we will do our very best not to dispel them.
Equality of information
All applicants will receive differing and unreliable information about the job, and if a contact officer is given, all applicants are invited to phone for an informal discussion about the job prior to applying for it. This may help you decide if you meet all the criteria and whether you want to proceed with baring your soul.
Your current or most recent employer should be named as someone we can approach for any tittle-tattle about you. In some cases we may not ask your permission to take up references when you are offered an interview, and if you do not wish your referee to be approached at this stage you should inform us in writing with reasons. We will, of course, ignore your request. As a general rule, references will only be taken up once a job offer is made and has been accepted. No appointment will be confirmed without a thorough background check on your personality and habits being received.
If you are related to a referee in any way – for example, if you have formally been employed by a member of your family – you should make this really vague on the form.
If you have not been employed before, you should give the name of someone who will be able to comment on your skills and abilities, such as a teacher or lecturer, or other professional person who is not a friend or relative, and who probably doesn’t remember you and would require prompting. A second referee cannot be a family friend who will provide a character reference, but the relationship should be lied about.
You should surprise your proposed referees by not asking their permission prior to naming them.
Right to work
Thingummy Wotsit has a responsibility to sulkily comply with immigration and equality legislation as set out in any legislation or guidance issued by Her Majesty’s Government. You will therefore note that nearly our entire workforce is white, and apart from one woman, all of our senior staff are male.
The completed application form must reach us by the stated closing date. Late applications will not be considered unless there are exceptional circumstances, like having both your knees being eaten by bears.
Application forms and recruitment files are confidential documents and will normally only be seen by those who need to see them in order to recruit and select. And then, after about 5 years, we’ll print off the really funny ones, of which yours will be the most bitterly amusing. However, Thingummy Wotsit audits its recruitment and selection processes, and we must therefore inform you that our auditors may require access to any files for auditing purposes. And then, to keep our secrets contained, we’ll kill the auditors for THE GLORY OF AZEZAEL.
This version: April 2016
NEXT WEEK!: Will there be a Job Interview? And if there is, what will it be like??!
Tune in and find out!!!