So How’s The Diet Going? A Guide to Losing Weight. Part Five


It’s another of those wacky “Oh Christ, I’m dieting! Which food should I have?” pictures. I like this one because there’s an element of agony to it. And she’s pulling a wonky face that masks her true beauty.

Hi there!

All this week we’ve been looking at a diary of a diet. This could be your diet. It’s remarkably close to my experiences on my diet. I’m on my umpteenth diet now, and I’m not very good at this whole dieting lark. But as I’m now 40 years in this dimension, and my body is beginning to sag, I really need to lose weight and get healthy. We’ll work on getting fit another time. Right now, I need to shed pounds.

There are four previous episodes to catch up on. There’s one, two, three, and four – if you want to read them in order. Or don’t. I don’t care. Jump in now and catch up another time if you must. What am I, your mother??

Anyway, here’s the fifth part. There are more parts coming next week.


You are buoyed up by weight loss of previous week, and rightly so. You’re doing well. However, you must not get complacent. There’s a difference between doing well, and doing GREAT! If you were doing well and people told you that you were doing GREAT!, then you’re bound to completely fail the diet at some point due to the fact that you’ll think “Hey, I’m doing GREAT! Everyone says so. Now I’m tired and I can’t be fucked to cook for the family. Let’s get a takeaway. It’s just one takeaway. After all, I’m doing GREAT!”. So that’s why on this diet, you’re doing well if you lose weight. But you’re not doing GREAT!

You are beginning to have the sneaky suspicion that dieting is worth a lot of money to some people. There are a lot of magazines about dieting, just like there are a lot of magazines about fishing, guitars, knitting, and movies. Yes, blah-blah-inspiring-story-blah-blah-12-stone-loss-blah-blah-feel-so-much-better-anout-myself-blah-blah-before-and-after… and it’s everywhere. All the time. The overall message is to BE THIN. That’s fine, being thin is a good idea.

I can’t even…

There are a lot of overweight people around town. You’ve seen them. There needs to be less overweight people in this world… but every person in the movies is thin, it seems. So are all popular music stars. There are no fat people playing romantic leads in movies, even though most fat people IRL have romantic stories of their own that are just as romantic. Sometimes it would be nice if overweight people became visible. I’d feel the same if I were old, because young, thin, blemish-free are heavily represented in popular media, and old/fat people are not. It’s not just that real women have curves (they do, and they’re sexy as hell, BTW), but real people have armpit hair, and bad breath, and they absent-mindedly scratch their bumcracks whilst sitting on sofas while watching TV. Wouldn’t it be nice – or at least fair – if movies and TV and in popular music had a representative population of chubbies? Is being fat really all that bad?*

*well, of course it is, if it eventually kills you.

Once again, you look at yourself in the mirror. You are definitely looking thinner. Go you! And the trousers are looser, and the belt needs to be tighter.

You try a herbal diet tea. You might even go into a Chinese health-food shop, and buy a whole load. You make it, and within 4 hours, you experience spectacular diarrhoea. That’s how it helps you lose weight!

Sometimes you just gotta let Google Images take you on a journey…

This weeks’ observations:

1. Morning coffee tastes like mud. But then again, smoking cigarettes tasted like a mixture of inevitable cancer/stroke/heart attack, pub toilet, and ashtray, and you did that for years every morning like an eejit, so suck it up and drink the coffee and stop complaining.

2. Tiny amount of cereal sucks. It’s depressing There’s no lying about it. You would like to come up with alternative.

2a. Diet shake? Chocolate flavour ones are just about bearable. Strawberry flavour is revolting, banana flavour shakes taste of urine, and the coffee flavour shakes taste of old lady. Whatever the flavour, they’re all a salty, gritty, chalky path to misery.

2b. Kale and mango smoothie? Yup, sign me up for a ukulele twat-circle while I’m at it. Also, kale is the invention of Pazuzu, so noooope.

3. Work cafeteria has chicken in barbecue sauce with chips, and a chocolate brownie for dessert, and you wince at the sight of all your colleagues tucking into it… or a sweetcorn burger for vegetarian option, plus the same brownie pudding lushness… or leek and onion soup for the healthy eating option with raw blueberries for dessert. Soup looks like workhouse gruel, and blueberries have always been tasteless balls of wet disappointment.

4. MUST FIGHT ON. Diet wins. Inner monologue gives magnanimous self-affirmation and praise.

5. Want to punch inner monologue whilst consuming the broth. It’s like eating minus symbols.

Well fuck me, they pull the same imagery shit on men as well.

6. Choose leeks. Choose feeling like cardboard. Choose going back to work after lunch hating this world and the post-Christmas weight-loss mission. Choose refusing proffered M&M from slightly insensitive colleague. Choose feeling horrid when getting home. Choose feeling irritable at child. Choose eating recipe that wife got from diet magazine. Choose thinking that diet magazine has never heard of palatable food and is trolling fatties like me. Choose going to bed with rumbly tummy.

7. Wake up following morning feeling… well, crap actually. Have breakfast, go to work… and still feel crap. Actually, no wait, this is a real illness. Go home early.

8. Your child eats a chocolate bar, in a classically childlike sort of way. For a moment, you genuinely consider asking your kid if it’s OK to lick the chocolate from their face.

9. Wonder if “comfort food” is allowed. You are ill after all, and you need food that will get you better. Like cake.

10. Wife makes wifesoup. Leek and potato much better than leek and onion, for some reason.

11. You have a couple of days off work, feeling not so much run down as run over. Tempting to eat naughty food while everyone is out, but can’t be bothered going to the shops. Illness good for diets, it seems.

“I don’t want to exaggerate the hardship of this, or be over-emotional, or be first-world-problem about this, but being on a diet and ill at the same time is the worst thing suffered by anyone ever.”

None. +2lbs.

Hang on.



What the fuck?

Actually, properly, seriously: What. The. Fuck?


Tell me HOW.

You ask yourself: “I’ve starved myself. I’ve been ill. I’ve been good. I’ve not given in to temptation. WHAT MORE CAN I GIVE?? WHY MUST THOU TEST ME??”

Might I suggest sir try some herbal diarrhoea-tea if the current choice placed before sir is so troublesome?

5 thoughts on “So How’s The Diet Going? A Guide to Losing Weight. Part Five

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