HI! HOW ARE YOU?!
Here we are at the seventh part of a journey of fat reduction. Have you read the other parts yet? Oh, you so should! Here them be:
Are you on a diet? How’s it going for you? By all means write to me and tell me if your diet is good, bad, easy, rubbish, difficult, lemon, hairy, or German. To be honest, I’m finding it hard, but there are coping mechanisms, as you can see in the following words…
At long last, something good is happening to you now. After all this grumbling, there is noticeable difference in how you look. People are beginning to ask if you’re on a diet (as if they didn’t know, with all your bitchin’ and complainin’ – clearly nobody listens to you), and you look down at your waistline, and you can see more of your feet than hitherto.
The new tactic of missing lunch, but eating of last-night’s leftovers for breakfast, is actually paying off. You look forward to breakfast time a lot more now, which is good because you now start your day in a positive mood. The good mood doesn’t last, and by evening you’re properly hungry, but you’re not miserable from the moment you wake up, and that’s good.
You look at yourself in the mirror. Lookin’ good! Lookin’ trim! And no more mirror demons either. Although, the little girl with the blindfold on who appears occasionally in your peripheral vision has started to move a little closer to you. Oh well. On balance, it’s a good week.
Here comes the first test of your resolve in this diet. We’ve arrived at the middle of February. This means that, holy crap, it’s Valentine’s Day!!! And you’ve both promised each other that you will have one night’s break from the diet. It’s no bad thing. Here’s how the evening goes down (minus the… oh, you know):
1. OK, the kid is away.
2. You’re not going out, because every restaurant in town is going to be packed to the rafters with long-term couples having stilted conversations, airing long-held resentments, expressing regret, and enjoying some quality awkward moments together.
3. You’re just having a night in. And because it’s Valentine’s Day, and you want to kick back and relax, you decide to have a break from the diet.
4. And maybe a glass of wine, or two glasses of wine – ah, who’s counting anyway?
5. Takeaway it is!
6. Curry? No, you can have curries on the diet anyway. Chinese? Nah, you can do that as well. Pizza?
7. Hmmmmm. Pizza is forbidden in so many ways – bread, cheese, salami. It’s impossible to do a diet pizza without it tasting of MDF and guilt. So pizza it is. If you’re going to flip the bird at your diet, you might as well do it repeatedly.
OH MY DEAR FUCKING GOD PIZZA IS SO NICE I WANT TO EAT PIZZA FOREVER DIETS R STOOPID WINE IS GOOD SEXY WIFE HOORAY FOR SEXY WIFE AND THE DAY OF LOVE
OH MY DEAR FUCKING GOD I’VE GOT THE SHITS-n’-STOMACH-CRAMPS SO BAD FROM EATING NAUGHTY FOOD AND SO MUCH STRINGY CHEESE
Day after Valentine’s Day:
END OF THE WEEK STATUS:
Back on the diet the day after Valentine’s. Let’s say the prayer all dieters say when things go awry: “Dear Lord, I promise not to blow the diet until Easter at the earliest. Please. I can live without chocolate until then, but for Your sake, can you give me some fucking light at the end of this bastard tunnel? Amen.”
WEIGHT LOSS AT THE END OF THE WEEK:
Nine. Whole. Pounds.
And there was pizza too! (but don’t read too much into that. Eating pizza regularly will not lose weight. In fact, it will do the opposite.)
#ThemefromRocky – see? I told you that you’d hear it at some point!