Well folks, we’re in the final days before Christmas. Here is your checklist to ensure you’re doing it properly
Decorations:
Is it November? No: [ ] Yes: [ ] Then it isn’t time to put the tree up yet. What are you? A nine-year-old?
OK, It’s December now.
Bought tree [ ]
Real tree? Yes: [ ] No: [ ] Don’t be an idiot. Go out and buy a real tree
Have you bought a real tree this time? [ ] Good. Now move on to the next task
Left tree in back room/garage/shed for a week [ ]
Has the tree started to die yet? [ ]
Tree put up in the house [ ]
Tree not quite straight [ ]
Argument over whether tree is straight [ ]
Angrily insisted that tree needs to be perfect [ ]
Been told by your spouse/partner not to be such a child [ ]
Shouted at your annoying children who keep getting in the way [ ] Oh, come on, they only want to help
Untangled lights [ ]
Had argument over how to do the lights [ ]
From the bottom up [ ] Top down [ ] Excellent! You’ve done it right!
Place the sacred ornament on the top of the tree [ ]
Comment on how old some of the ornaments are [ ]
Picked out your favourite ornament from your childhood [ ]
Children not giving a toss about your favourite childhood ornament [ ]
Tree covered in tacky chintz [ ]
Needles all fallen off within 48 hours [ ]
Presents:
Bought all presents by 1st December [ ] Ooh. Yeah. Suuure you did.
It’s 18th December and you haven’t bought anything [ ]
Which lunchtime are you planning on dashing into town and doing the last minute panic:
21st: [ ] 22nd: [ ] 23rd: [ ] 24th: [ ] (Add +5 Stress Points per day)
Browsed German-style Christmas market [ ]
Bought something stupid and expensive from Christmas market [ ]
Eaten something fattening and sickly from Christmas market [ ]
Observed busker [ ]
Is the busker…
Drunk [ ] Offensive [ ] Incompetent [ ] Possibly dangerous [ ] Horrifyingly depressing [ ] Surprisingly brilliant [ ] “Experimental” [ ] Owning some quite snazzy and expensive gear, including amps and effects pedals [ ] From another country playing what your grandmother would call ” funny tunes on a funny instrument” [ ] A former schoolmate [ ]
You have:
Been approached by a charity collecter [ ]
Snarled at a charity collecter [ ]
Become very sweaty whilst running around the shops [ ]
Got a nagging chest pain [ ] It’s normal, don’t worry
Forgotten to buy something for a member of your family [ ]
Started crying [ ]
Spent over £400 in one hour [ ]
Thought “fuck this shit” and decided to come back tomorrow [ ]
Socialising:
Been to the office party [ ]
Regretted it [ ]
Behaved atrociously at the office party [ ]
Did something at the office party you really shouldn’t have done, and nobody must ever know [ ]
Gave the office party a miss [ ] Well done.
Got drunk on a week night [ ]
Got drunk knowing you’ve got work tomorrow [ ]
Seen the in-laws on a day that is not Christmas Day/Boxing Day [ ]
Had to drive bloody miles to see the in-laws [ ]
Rather dreaded seeing the in-laws [ ]
Seen people you only see this time every year [ ]
Gone up the pub more than once in a single week [ ]
Had friends round for mince pies [ ]
Had an old friend drop by [ ]
Had an unexpected person show up uninvited, who then outstayed their welcome [ ]
Just wished to not have so many people spontaneously visit over Christmas, when there’s so much to do. It’s nice to see them, just not on the 23rd Dec, when everything is getting a bit much [ ]
Written cards for people you only contact once a year (by card) at Christmas [ ]
Got a card from someone you haven’t seen in years and don’t really care much for anymore[ ]
Wished colleagues an awkward ‘Merry Christmas!’ [ ]
Wished people who work in shops a ‘Merry Christmas!’ [ ]
Forgotten to send cards to some people you actually care about [ ]
Got drunk, looked at your friends on Facebook, and got jealous of their perfect fucking lives [ ]
Got drunk, looked up exes and old enemies on Facebook, and got profoundly depressed at how bitterly unfair life is [ ]
Got sad about friends you don’t see anymore [ ]
Been to church, even though you’re an atheist, because you like singing carols [ ]
Sung all the proper harmonies to the carols [ ]
Made up your own harmonies [ ]
Attempted the descant part to ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ [ ] Heh! Awesome, innit?
Been to a school nativity [ ]
Got a bit teary at the school nativity [ ]
Thought your kid nailed it as the third sheep [ ]
Thought the girl playing Mary this year was an attention-hogging squit and wished her parents would stop gloating about it in the playground [ ]
Had to make your child’s class teacher a card [ ]
Ran into your child’s class teacher in the pub [ ]
Just wanted a quiet evening with your spouse/partner [ ]
CHRISTMAS DAY
Tidied the house in time for Christmas [ ]
Had an argument about tidying the house for Christmas [ ]
Ended up not completely tidying the house in time for Christmas [ ]
Put empty stockings out [ ]
Filled stockings and placed them quietly, but still managed to wake a small child, thus ruining Santa Claus and Christmas forever, you absolute bastard [ ]
Hugged stocking before opening presents, just to feel what it’s like to hug Christmas [ ]
Opened stocking [ ]
Got surprisingly brilliant stocking fillers [ ]
Cooked Christmas dinner [ ]
Did you? Reeeeaaallly? Or did you just help out in the kitchen? [ ]
Lost temper at small children demanding to open presents while adults run around trying to get food done [ ]
Had a cry in a quiet room somewhere [ ]
Worn rather dazzly clothes you wouldn’t normally wear [ ]
Worn any old crap because you’ve given up on Christmas now [ ]
Drunk champagne and pretended it’s nice [ ]
Drunk brandy and didn’t bother pretending to like it, but just winced and went “Uuuchhuchhuuuchh” [ ]
Eaten turkey with all the trimmings [ ]
Eaten a ‘Turkey Crown’ [ ] That’s lazy of you
Eaten goose [ ] Pretentious Dickensian twat
Eaten some other meat thing that is neither turkey or goose [ ] You’re not even trying
Vegetarian? [ ] Oh, bad luck
Failed to eat a mince pie at any point over Christmas and got a bit cross about it when you realised [ ]
Tried to light the Christmas pudding, got a sputtering flame that dies within seconds, everyone still goes “Oooooh!” [ ]
Eaten far too much, felt ill, eaten some more, felt better, eaten some more at 6pm, felt really sick [ ]
Eaten a meal consisting of just Christmas Cake [ ]
Got presents you wanted [ ]
Got presents you didn’t know you wanted that are totally ace [ ]
Got presents you actually needed as a practical thing, but didn’t want as a present because it’s not as much fun as a Playstation e.g. hammer [ ] “Oh, that’s really handy!”
Got horrible clothes from a well-meaning relative [ ]
Got something horrible from a relative you’ve never liked, who has therefore just successfully trolled you [ ]
Had an argument with an adult family member who is not spouse/partner [ ]
Had a political argument [ ]
Watched the Queen’s Speech, even though you hate the Royal Family [ ]
Said something rude about the Queen, and upsetting at least two adult members of your family [ ]
Said something accidentally fascistic that shocks everyone in the room more than you intended to (e.g. “Everyone on X-Factor deserves to die starving, and suffering from Typhus in a Gulag”) [ ]
Become a total pariah within the family due to your outrageous views [ ]
Fallen asleep [ ]
Pretended to fall asleep to avoid the washing up [ ]
Done (or at least helped with) the washing up [ ] Well done
Watched the plebdazzle Christmas Night telly on a mainstream channel [ ]
Watched a worthy art documentary on one of the minor channels, or something horribly depressing about the Middle East [ ]
Stayed up far too late on Christmas Night after everyone has gone to bed watching the tree lights twinkling and trying to remember what Christmas was like as a child [ ]
It was all going really well, and then some fucking idiot said “You know, President Trump is gonna make America great again…”
FILMS:
Elf [ ]
It’s a Wonderful Life [ ]
Casablanca [ ]
Citizen Kane [ ]
The Wizard of Oz [ ]
Return to Oz [ ] Oooh, dark
Muppet Christmas Carol [ ]
Muppet Treasure Island [ ]
Any other Muppet film [ ]
Labyrinth [ ] Heh! Bowie’s bulge…
The Spy Who Loved Me [ ]
Any Bond film that is not The Spy Who Loved Me [ ] Hard luck, old bean
The Godfather Part II [ ]
Raiders of the Lost Ark [ ] Awww yissss!
Anything Disney/Pixar [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]
Anything non-Pixar CGI [ ]
Gremlins [ ]
Die Hard [ ]
Airplane! [ ] Hoooo, fuck yeah!
One of those awful seasonal tie-in shorts of a CGI movie e.g. ‘Shrek the Halls’ [ ]
Miracle on 34th St [ ] +35 points if it’s the original (although the 1994 remake is cute)
Trading Places [ ]
Scrooge [ ]
Scrooged [ ]
The Nightmare Before Christmas [ ] You utter Goth
Watching The Nightmare Before Christmas with your kids [ ] Training your kids to be Goths, I see!
Santa Claus The Movie [ ] Yuck.
Zulu [ ]
The Box of Delights [ ] Yes, I know it’s not a film. It’s still essential Chrimble viewing though.
POST-CHRISTMAS:
Had to travel many miles to several different locations, because either your parents (or the in-laws, or both) divorced years ago, live far apart from each other, won’t be in the same room as each other, and yet selfishly insist that you come and visit them at Christmas, and sulk like petulant teenagers if you threaten not to [ ]
Decide on one of the many journeys between relatives that next year you’re going to do Christmas without them, or they’ll have to suck it up and be civil to each other for the first time in 24 years. Either that or build a Thunderdome in the garden and they can be locked in there for the duration [ ]
Hit the sales like a boss despite smashing through your overdraft limit in the run-up to Christmas [ ]
Had a metric tonne of leftovers to consume [ ]
Eaten more than you should [ ]
Decided to go on a diet [ ]
Eaten so much that you’re actually looking forward to commencing the diet [ ]
Seen all the people you actually wanted to see [ ]
Had a really nice evening with old friends [ ]
Had a really awkward evening with old friends [ ]
Irritably demanded members of your family get off their shiny new digital devices and insisted on proper family time, thus creating an atmosphere of simmering resentment [ ]
Insisted on going out for a brisk family walk and get howled at by your children for getting them out of the house and away from their exciting new presents [ ]
Come home from a brisk family walk feeling as though your bone marrow has been frozen solid [ ]
Lit a fire to warm your bones and felt like a country squire [ ]
Played a board game [ ]
Board game causes argument [ ]
Had to go into work between Christmas and New Year, and wished you’d booked time off because no other fucker is in work [ ]
Gone to a panto [ ]
Gone to a big starry panto with a Grade-Q Reality TV celeb as the star attraction, laughed like a drain, took part in all the panto-heckling, and embarrassed your kids who are too old for pantos anyway [ ]
Gone to a local amateur panto and found quite a lot of the jokes to be racist/sexist/homophobic [ ]
Made plans in advance for New Year’s Eve [ ]
Totally failed to make plans for New Year’s Eve [ ]
Ended up going to a crap party on New Year’s Eve [ ]
Ended up doing nothing for New Year’s Eve [ ]
Made resolutions for the New Year [ ]
Promised your spouse/partner to turn over a new leaf [ ]
Fully intend to keep that promise [ ] Good luck with that!
Taken down the decorations in a forlorn manner and gone back to work with great reluctance, and realised that without the sparkly Christmas ephemera up to dazzle and distract you, this is a really dark, grey, and miserable time of year [ ]
Realised that, all things considered, you had a pretty damn good Christmas [ ]
Daddy Burns the Salad 